These few days hasn’t been good. Nostalgia, disconnection and fear has been creeping through my bones like unrelenting vines. Can’t seem to control it, much less stop it. *deep breath*

It seemed so easy at first to say that I will be letting it all go, but the emotional entanglements accumulated through the years are so much more difficult to peel off than what I’ve originally imagined. At times, I feel trapped in between, losing one thing to gain another. What do I really want? The past or the future? I see the answer right before me. I know I need to just live in the present and not worry about what lies behind or ahead of me.

I find myself indulgently lamenting over shitty times like this. I am only human and I shouldn’t beat myself silly over it. I need to recognize that I am not a superhuman.

My decision stays, I will definitely make this journey. But this also means that for the next two months before I actually leave, I need to go through all these the raging and conflicting feelings inside of me. Maybe by the time I leave, I will be more ready than ever, emotionally sound to journey through what life has in store for me.

Until then, hold tight Jared, you will be fine. I love you.