Jars of Thoughts

Category: Self-discovery

  • About Letting Go

    Just 18 days before I fly off, and it’s getting more and more nerve wracking.

    I haven’t been updating here because I’ve been busy sorting out my travel plans, overseas contacts and visa arrangements. I’ve also been juggling a few jobs along the way to build up my travel fund as much as possible.

    My tentative route has only come together because I was fortunate enough to meet some amazing people, all of whom have helped connect me with friends around the world, whether to stay with or work alongside, allowing me to map out and stretch my journey as much as possible.

    It really helps to put your dreams out there.

    By sharing my plans, I’ve managed to crowdsource many of the things I need. Although I still have a long way to go, I know that within all this uncertainty lies the excitement of living one day at a time.

    Along the way, I’ve realised that so much of life is beyond our control. The harder we try to make sense of everything, the harder it often becomes to cope.

    I’ve been learning to walk in faith and to understand that the only preparation I really need is the willingness to embrace whatever comes my way, and to be as ready as I can for the unexpected.

    I know it’s easier said than done. We live in a world where seeing is believing. But it’s a challenge that I believe will shape the journey ahead. It will teach me to be more humble, more accepting, and more open minded towards everything around me.

    It takes greater courage to fully accept things as they are than to bend and distort them to suit our own needs.

    There is something beautiful about trusting life enough to let it take the reins, allowing it to guide you wherever you are meant to be.

    To experience, as much as possible, the nakedness of reality without filtering it through our own ideals and goals, which are inevitably shaped by the society we grow up in.

    Constructs that give us a sense of order, meaning and familiarity.

    Not that they are wrong.

    But, in my opinion, they are not always authentic.

    If I had to sum up everything I’ve learnt so far into a single lesson, it would be this.

    Learning to truly let go.

    Not in the sense of giving up, but in learning to accept and embrace.

    Ironically, it is through letting go that I’ve gained the most.

    By opening myself to whatever comes, both the good and the bad, I’ve allowed myself to experience the raw beauty of life in all its wonder and awesomeness.

    My journey of self discovery doesn’t begin when I board the plane 18 days from now.

    It began the moment I made the conscious decision to be truly happy.

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  • Counting my blessings

    Count blessings3

    Since I started preparing for my journey, I have met so many amazing individuals who has thoroughly blessed me in ways that I wouldn’t have imagined possible. Being brought up in a society where distrust is the name of the game, where kindness came from government campaigns rather than a generous spirit and the meaning of life is calculated in cents and dollars, it never occurred to me that I would ever meet people like that. These people, who gave so generously of themselves and loved so genuinely without expecting any returns at all. You guys have inspired me.

    I just want to use this space today, to thank a few of these amazing people who has changed the way I viewed the world.

    V, you wanted to blessed my journey so much so that you actually offered to top up my travel fund although I didn’t even ask for it (much less thought about it), all because you has done this before and know how hard it can be. I didn’t ask how much not because it didn’t matter, but because your thoughts behind it meant so much more. My greatest gratitude. You’ve not only helped me make this journey that much longer, but you have also proven to me that the world is a much kinder place than what most people made it out to be. Now because of what you have done for me, I will be consciously lending a hand to help bless others along the road and to people who will make this journey after me, as much as I possibly can.

    B, thank you so much for providing me the account to your Kobo app so that my journey ahead will not simply be just counting the fingers on my hands when I have absolutely nothing to do. Your advice on working as I am traveling is invaluable and I will definitely need to seek you out for more advice along the way! I feel a lot less lonely, knowing that there are fellow Singaporeans around who are doing the same thing. Not only that, but you also managed to have your partner and two dogs travel along with you while you do what you love. You are tremendously inspiring. I have become a little more braver, and a little more motivated to follow through with my plans because of you. Thank you so much once again.

    C, We haven’t spoken in awhile and I didn’t know you moved away to work. Thank you for offering your home to me and allowing me stay as long as I like, as and when I travel to the place you’re at. You didn’t even stop there. You offered to pay me as well, just to help you around with housework. I would have done it for free anyway because I am already thankful to have a roof over my head and to have an amazing friend like you. When I have my own place in the future, wherever it may be, I too will open my place for others seeking a roof over their heads, a good rest for the night and a warm, full meal.

    J, despite the fact that we haven’t met, you are still one of the most superbly inspiring individual I’ve ever come to know. You doing the same thing as me is amazing. You being around the same age as me is even more so! I approached you via Facebook when i first saw your journey on the couchsurfing website as well as your Facebook page. You were quick to reply, with such openness to share whatever that you have experienced and learnt to someone you barely knew. Your courage inspired me to no end. Your motivation to follow through despite all circumstances has proven to me that all things are possible. . It is nice to have a fellow companion on a journey, even if we are not in the same country. Perhaps one day we will cross paths and be able to share our experiences together more candidly in person.

    To my parents who despite being so worried about me, supported my journey anyway, You guys even went to the point of buying my laptop and camera at a price that no one would ever pay for, just to help me raise funds before I leave and at the same time, still allow me to have convenient  access to ‘loan’ them. The love that you guys have for me is so special and I feel incredibly lucky to be your son . I promise you guys that I will take good care of myself and keep you guys posted as much possible. I love you both so so much. Without the both of you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Big hugs mum and dad…

  • I am not a superhuman

    These few days hasn’t been good. Nostalgia, disconnection and fear has been creeping through my bones like unrelenting vines. Can’t seem to control it, much less stop it. *deep breath*

    It seemed so easy at first to say that I will be letting it all go, but the emotional entanglements accumulated through the years are so much more difficult to peel off than what I’ve originally imagined. At times, I feel trapped in between, losing one thing to gain another. What do I really want? The past or the future? I see the answer right before me. I know I need to just live in the present and not worry about what lies behind or ahead of me.

    I find myself indulgently lamenting over shitty times like this. I am only human and I shouldn’t beat myself silly over it. I need to recognize that I am not a superhuman.

    My decision stays, I will definitely make this journey. But this also means that for the next two months before I actually leave, I need to go through all these the raging and conflicting feelings inside of me. Maybe by the time I leave, I will be more ready than ever, emotionally sound to journey through what life has in store for me.

    Until then, hold tight Jared, you will be fine. I love you.

  • Eat Pray Love

    I heard about the book, I heard about  the movie, and I even gone as far as reading the synopsis on IMDb, but I was never once interested to experience it. Until yesterday night, while sitting alone on my bed and surfing the net, I had the sudden inspiration to watch the movie… and so I did.

    I found myself moving in tandem with Elizabeth Gilbert, the lead character, as I traveled the places that she did, and experienced and felt her struggles, frustration and desperation as well as her joy, happiness and excitement throughout the whole process of finding balance in a world she couldn’t make sense of. I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen until the movie was done. I was exhausted, thoroughly drained by how much she went through and most importantly, how much I related to it.

    Finding one’s self in a world where everyone seems to be hopping on the same footsteps as the ones before them. Recognizing how everyone is sharing largely similar ideals, not exactly the same specifically, but similar in essence of feeling the need to achieve and work towards something that ultimately might not fulfill us at all. On some occasions, it may make you feel even more emptier.

    I was pursuing too many things in my life and never stop to think, is this fulfilling to me? Am I happy? I became desperate to keep things normal and safe in my perfect tiny little box of certainty. In so doing, i cheated myself, my heart and mind together. I created a mock reality of what I thought I needed, and not what I really needed. I was too safe and too timid to live authentically.

    I don’t know what I need now but at least I am aware that I need to find it. Also, I am very sure that I can’t find it in a place that I have built my current life on. I need to go somewhere else, to clear my head and find the answers without the distractions or nostalgic compulsion of all the could-haves, would-haves, and should-haves.

    I need to get away from here and I am so glad I bought a ticket out of here.  It’s a start, to freedom and knowing myself more than I ever did in the last 26 years of my life.

  • Vipasanna – The Silent Meditation

    Vipasanna, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught more than 2500 years ago as a remedy for universal ills.

    Was catching up with a friend a couple of days ago and he told me about this Vipasanna meditation center in Cambodia that he visited earlier this year. Basically, he participated in a 10 days course where he was supposed to be silent from beginning to end(this is scary, especially for a chatty person like me), and any form of distraction (tech gadgets, books, magazines and physical contact) was prohibited. Through this entire process, you are to clear yourself from all impurities and take a vow of silence (called Noble Silence)  to encourage self-observation and to explore and discover things from deep within your own heart and mind. All these, amidst a beautiful countryside environment.

    Vipassana Meditation Centre. Kyoto, Japan

    Sounds really spiritual I know but when he told me about it, I was thoroughly intrigued and captivated by the idea. When he mentioned that there was one such mediation center in Kyoto, Japan (which is where I think I might be heading to after Taiwan), i had a seemingly impulsive but awesome notion sprouting out from my head right there and then. Why not try it out if I am going to be there? Even if it is painful or even worse, boring, it would still be an experience that I would live to know and tell. Also, two meals a day and accommodations are all provided free-of-charge (of course there is a obligatory donation fee at the end, but it will still really help me save on daily expenses and hopefully learn a great deal about myself along the way). It is the perfect opportunity, especially since I am already embarking on a journey of self-discovery,  the perfect icing on my cake.

    However, if you are thinking of trying this out as well, do research extensively about it first and be thoroughly comfortable with the whole idea before signing up. Apparently, it is a rule that one must remain within the course boundaries until the end and dropping out halfway is strongly discouraged (I suspect this rule was implemented because it happened to a lot of people before).

    Being one who is almost always dependent on worldly comforts to pass my time, I see the part where I cannot even read a book as the hardest part of taking on this challenge. What will I do? How can I think… what can I think about? 10 days, seriously?

    On the other side of the coin, I had gone through quite a fair bit since I made the decision to leave it all behind to see the world as much as I can and I really don’t I have much things to lose anyway. That being said, I am in a very good position to be gamed for almost anything that comes my way at this point of my life. Time, is largely more on my side than most of the people I know currently anyway so…why not?

    To find out more about this, please visit http://www.bhanu.dhamma.org/index.php?id=4790&L=0