Jars of Thoughts

Tag: emotional

  • Counting my blessings

    Count blessings3

    Since I started preparing for my journey, I have met so many amazing individuals who has thoroughly blessed me in ways that I wouldn’t have imagined possible. Being brought up in a society where distrust is the name of the game, where kindness came from government campaigns rather than a generous spirit and the meaning of life is calculated in cents and dollars, it never occurred to me that I would ever meet people like that. These people, who gave so generously of themselves and loved so genuinely without expecting any returns at all. You guys have inspired me.

    I just want to use this space today, to thank a few of these amazing people who has changed the way I viewed the world.

    V, you wanted to blessed my journey so much so that you actually offered to top up my travel fund although I didn’t even ask for it (much less thought about it), all because you has done this before and know how hard it can be. I didn’t ask how much not because it didn’t matter, but because your thoughts behind it meant so much more. My greatest gratitude. You’ve not only helped me make this journey that much longer, but you have also proven to me that the world is a much kinder place than what most people made it out to be. Now because of what you have done for me, I will be consciously lending a hand to help bless others along the road and to people who will make this journey after me, as much as I possibly can.

    B, thank you so much for providing me the account to your Kobo app so that my journey ahead will not simply be just counting the fingers on my hands when I have absolutely nothing to do. Your advice on working as I am traveling is invaluable and I will definitely need to seek you out for more advice along the way! I feel a lot less lonely, knowing that there are fellow Singaporeans around who are doing the same thing. Not only that, but you also managed to have your partner and two dogs travel along with you while you do what you love. You are tremendously inspiring. I have become a little more braver, and a little more motivated to follow through with my plans because of you. Thank you so much once again.

    C, We haven’t spoken in awhile and I didn’t know you moved away to work. Thank you for offering your home to me and allowing me stay as long as I like, as and when I travel to the place you’re at. You didn’t even stop there. You offered to pay me as well, just to help you around with housework. I would have done it for free anyway because I am already thankful to have a roof over my head and to have an amazing friend like you. When I have my own place in the future, wherever it may be, I too will open my place for others seeking a roof over their heads, a good rest for the night and a warm, full meal.

    J, despite the fact that we haven’t met, you are still one of the most superbly inspiring individual I’ve ever come to know. You doing the same thing as me is amazing. You being around the same age as me is even more so! I approached you via Facebook when i first saw your journey on the couchsurfing website as well as your Facebook page. You were quick to reply, with such openness to share whatever that you have experienced and learnt to someone you barely knew. Your courage inspired me to no end. Your motivation to follow through despite all circumstances has proven to me that all things are possible. . It is nice to have a fellow companion on a journey, even if we are not in the same country. Perhaps one day we will cross paths and be able to share our experiences together more candidly in person.

    To my parents who despite being so worried about me, supported my journey anyway, You guys even went to the point of buying my laptop and camera at a price that no one would ever pay for, just to help me raise funds before I leave and at the same time, still allow me to have convenient  access to ‘loan’ them. The love that you guys have for me is so special and I feel incredibly lucky to be your son . I promise you guys that I will take good care of myself and keep you guys posted as much possible. I love you both so so much. Without the both of you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Big hugs mum and dad…

  • I am not a superhuman

    These few days hasn’t been good. Nostalgia, disconnection and fear has been creeping through my bones like unrelenting vines. Can’t seem to control it, much less stop it. *deep breath*

    It seemed so easy at first to say that I will be letting it all go, but the emotional entanglements accumulated through the years are so much more difficult to peel off than what I’ve originally imagined. At times, I feel trapped in between, losing one thing to gain another. What do I really want? The past or the future? I see the answer right before me. I know I need to just live in the present and not worry about what lies behind or ahead of me.

    I find myself indulgently lamenting over shitty times like this. I am only human and I shouldn’t beat myself silly over it. I need to recognize that I am not a superhuman.

    My decision stays, I will definitely make this journey. But this also means that for the next two months before I actually leave, I need to go through all these the raging and conflicting feelings inside of me. Maybe by the time I leave, I will be more ready than ever, emotionally sound to journey through what life has in store for me.

    Until then, hold tight Jared, you will be fine. I love you.

  • Eat Pray Love

    I heard about the book, I heard about  the movie, and I even gone as far as reading the synopsis on IMDb, but I was never once interested to experience it. Until yesterday night, while sitting alone on my bed and surfing the net, I had the sudden inspiration to watch the movie… and so I did.

    I found myself moving in tandem with Elizabeth Gilbert, the lead character, as I traveled the places that she did, and experienced and felt her struggles, frustration and desperation as well as her joy, happiness and excitement throughout the whole process of finding balance in a world she couldn’t make sense of. I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen until the movie was done. I was exhausted, thoroughly drained by how much she went through and most importantly, how much I related to it.

    Finding one’s self in a world where everyone seems to be hopping on the same footsteps as the ones before them. Recognizing how everyone is sharing largely similar ideals, not exactly the same specifically, but similar in essence of feeling the need to achieve and work towards something that ultimately might not fulfill us at all. On some occasions, it may make you feel even more emptier.

    I was pursuing too many things in my life and never stop to think, is this fulfilling to me? Am I happy? I became desperate to keep things normal and safe in my perfect tiny little box of certainty. In so doing, i cheated myself, my heart and mind together. I created a mock reality of what I thought I needed, and not what I really needed. I was too safe and too timid to live authentically.

    I don’t know what I need now but at least I am aware that I need to find it. Also, I am very sure that I can’t find it in a place that I have built my current life on. I need to go somewhere else, to clear my head and find the answers without the distractions or nostalgic compulsion of all the could-haves, would-haves, and should-haves.

    I need to get away from here and I am so glad I bought a ticket out of here.  It’s a start, to freedom and knowing myself more than I ever did in the last 26 years of my life.

  • What my heart tells me…

    It has been 3 weeks since I made the decision to embark on this journey. My resolve hasn’t change and I feel just as motivated. Emotionally and spiritually though, I find myself growing and expanding beyond my imagination.

    I’ve been bulldozing my way through the world wide web with insatiable curiosity, a world I never knew existed except in fictional movies and books. I began meeting people from all over the world through the couchsurfing community in Singapore, people who are living or knew about this particular way of life. I was amazed, addicted, captivated and enraptured. It was as if I have been living in a black and white world and suddenly, everything began exploding around me in a plethora of colors in full high definition mode.

    Discovering this world has changed my life, before I even start this journey. I knew I would never see things the same way anymore. I am in love with a reality that no one I knew around me could or want to see. I am embracing it, taking it, believing in it. My body vibrates with intense excitement over the impending departure of my old ways and belief systems. The entanglements of my old life slowly dissipates as a whole new self-actualization takes over my entire being.

    I maybe one of the few, in ratio to the rest of the world, but it doesn’t matter anymore because I can finally see things with more clarity than most. For the very first time in my 26 years, I feel unashamedly free. I am naked to the world but no longer afraid. I am ready to take on life as it is and let it lead me instead of the other way round.

    I am ready to go.

  • Daydreaming

    As I was researching as usual just now, I was hit with a sudden and random rush of thoughts that took my surprise and got me in a super pensive mood…

    What will life be like when i start this journey? What will life be like after the journey ends? Will I be the same person when i come back? What kind of person would I be like if I become different from now? Will the experiences that I have during my travel changed me in drastic ways? Will I be able to adapt back to my old life? Will everything have move on around me anyway?

    While it is easy to say that I should stop expecting and just live through it, it is still humanly impossible to not think or imagine what it would be like…

    Can’t wait to stop daydreaming and truly live the journey I am planning right now!  69 more days and counting down…. >.<

  • Having cold feet

    Traveling around the world is exciting but also very daunting, especially so if you are planning to travel alone like me. Making the decision and buying the one way ticket for me was simply the first step. Other than the tiresome handling of personal affairs before I leave, I found myself emotionally plagued with constant doubt, worry and even anxiety before I even actually get out of Singapore!

    However, I have been repeatedly assured by like-minded individuals, travelers or otherwise, that what I am going through is perfectly normal. Having cold feet is normal because you have just made one of THE biggest decision (and change, because your life will never be the same anymore) in your life and it is entirely forgivable and understandable. In fact, it would be weird if you don’t actually feel this way at all.

    How I managed to keep myself going and remaining firm to my decision is to constantly:

    1. Keep researching about my trip as it builds up my excitement before I go and also gets me prepared, which in turn makes me less panicky. I find myself actively addressing my  worries by researching about them to get a better idea and it really helps to calm those pre-travel jitters of mine

    2. Keep reading up on inspiring stories and testimonies of people who had done this or are still doing this. You will be surprised by how many there are! You are not alone 🙂

    3. Surrounding myself with people who supports and encourages me. My friends, family members and the couchsurfing community

    4. Staying positive. Consciously tell yourself all the time that you will be fine, because you are.

    5. Starting a blog. Before I actually fly off on the 29th of December this year, this blog also serves as my emotional and spiritual compass, monitoring my feelings & thoughts (keeping it in check as well) while I prepare myself for the adventure of a lifetime! Anytime I start doubting myself, I simply go back to my previous post (especially my very first post) which reminds me the reason why I wanted to travel in the first place!

    6. Telling everyone I know about my plans. This method really helps me stay accountable to my own actions

    7. Keep moving instead of procrastinating. This means that since I have made a firm decision to go, I shouldn’t waste time to clear the path in front of me. This includes leaving my job, applying for permits, buying insurance, planning/packing my travel ware, researching on the routes I want to go and saving up as much money as possible until I fly off. Since I need to do it anyway, why delay?

    8. Don’t look back. Just go. If you don’t, instead of making the biggest decision in your life, you would have created the biggest regret instead.

    I know this trip probably isn’t going to be all moonlight and roses but it is to me, the first step towards the beginning of a renewal. I know I am not going to regret this because I have been secretly raring for it all my life and it is finally, really, REALLY happening!

    “Carpe diem! Seize the day, make your lives extraordinary” – Dead Poet Society