Jars of Thoughts

Tag: fear

  • About Letting Go

    Just 18 days before I fly off, and it’s getting more and more nerve wracking.

    I haven’t been updating here because I’ve been busy sorting out my travel plans, overseas contacts and visa arrangements. I’ve also been juggling a few jobs along the way to build up my travel fund as much as possible.

    My tentative route has only come together because I was fortunate enough to meet some amazing people, all of whom have helped connect me with friends around the world, whether to stay with or work alongside, allowing me to map out and stretch my journey as much as possible.

    It really helps to put your dreams out there.

    By sharing my plans, I’ve managed to crowdsource many of the things I need. Although I still have a long way to go, I know that within all this uncertainty lies the excitement of living one day at a time.

    Along the way, I’ve realised that so much of life is beyond our control. The harder we try to make sense of everything, the harder it often becomes to cope.

    I’ve been learning to walk in faith and to understand that the only preparation I really need is the willingness to embrace whatever comes my way, and to be as ready as I can for the unexpected.

    I know it’s easier said than done. We live in a world where seeing is believing. But it’s a challenge that I believe will shape the journey ahead. It will teach me to be more humble, more accepting, and more open minded towards everything around me.

    It takes greater courage to fully accept things as they are than to bend and distort them to suit our own needs.

    There is something beautiful about trusting life enough to let it take the reins, allowing it to guide you wherever you are meant to be.

    To experience, as much as possible, the nakedness of reality without filtering it through our own ideals and goals, which are inevitably shaped by the society we grow up in.

    Constructs that give us a sense of order, meaning and familiarity.

    Not that they are wrong.

    But, in my opinion, they are not always authentic.

    If I had to sum up everything I’ve learnt so far into a single lesson, it would be this.

    Learning to truly let go.

    Not in the sense of giving up, but in learning to accept and embrace.

    Ironically, it is through letting go that I’ve gained the most.

    By opening myself to whatever comes, both the good and the bad, I’ve allowed myself to experience the raw beauty of life in all its wonder and awesomeness.

    My journey of self discovery doesn’t begin when I board the plane 18 days from now.

    It began the moment I made the conscious decision to be truly happy.

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  • Buying the Necessaries Part Two

    Thank God for membership cards, credit card rebates and amazingly supportive parents/friends, because every cent saved is every cent more for me to survive that much longer on my journey! (I think I have been saying that a lot lately)

    Recently, I finally bought myself the Osprey Farpoint 70 backpack (comes with a lifetime international warranty which goes to show how confident Osprey is, about their products) that I have been eyeing and researching on for a while, and a few other travel necessities along the way.

    I was ecstatic to find out that with my “Passion” card, I could get a 10% off for my backpack if I buy it from “Sports Connection”, the only group of stores in Singapore that I know of that carries and distributes Osprey travel backpacks (FYI, my infatuation with Osprey is a very personal thing and might be very different for one individual to another). Also, because I have already collected rebates from my Citibank credit card, I managed to throw in a couple of add ons, namely a money belt and a check in bag (so your backpack won’t get ruthlessly scratched or torn when you check them in at trains, ferries, buses or airports) at only an additional cost of 9 bucks in total. How cool is that?

    I made a trip down to the army market at beach road as well (where they sell travel ware and backpacks at wholesale prices) and bought myself a few stuff, like a strong LED torch with a rechargeable battery and charger, a travel medical pack (both of which my dad offered to pay for because I was extremely apprehensive about the prices, being the penny-pinching person I have become. Love you dad!), an inflatable pillow for desperate no-pillow situations, a pair of ear plugs for noisy nights when I need to sleep, a marker for me to write signs on cardboards to indicate the places I wanna go when I hitchhike and a good black pen for general and lasting usage. Total amount of money spent for everything – another 9 bucks. Yay!

    ~

    To many budget-conscious travelers around, I understand first-hand that seeing your money ringing off the bell from the cash register might not be the best feeling in the world. It pains me too but i knew I had to consciously remind myself that the things I am buying (after proper research that is) are actually worthy and practical investments to splurge on. While it is good to always be prudent with your spending, there is a need to know that there are certain things that one should absolutely not scrimp on, for practicality sake.

    For every good investment you make, the money you’ve spent actually goes a long way to help you curb back on unnecessary expenditure to replace or repair in the future. I’ve learnt that you don’t always have to go for the best (unless you can afford it), but somewhere around mid range might just be good enough. The decision to purchase certain items also heavily depends on the type of trip you are making, the countries that you are planning to travel to, which seasons of the year and the length of time you are going for. Chances are if you paid too little for them, they probably won’t last very long and if you paid too much, your heart may break when they get lost, stolen or damaged while you are on the road. Therefore, striking the right balance is very important.

    A general rule of thumb that I have been following is to always do a good amount of research (quantitative and qualitative) and weighing out the pros and cons before taking the money out of my wallet. I also tend to ask myself three self-imposed golden questions. Do I need it? Are there alternatives? Are the alternatives something that I can live with? Ultimately, making a purchase is a very personal decision and only you can make the final call.

    So happy shopping for those who are also preparing the same journey as me and if you need help, feel free to let me know! Will be more than willing to offer my penny-worth. 🙂

    One and a half more month to go… Can’t wait!

  • Counting my blessings

    Count blessings3

    Since I started preparing for my journey, I have met so many amazing individuals who has thoroughly blessed me in ways that I wouldn’t have imagined possible. Being brought up in a society where distrust is the name of the game, where kindness came from government campaigns rather than a generous spirit and the meaning of life is calculated in cents and dollars, it never occurred to me that I would ever meet people like that. These people, who gave so generously of themselves and loved so genuinely without expecting any returns at all. You guys have inspired me.

    I just want to use this space today, to thank a few of these amazing people who has changed the way I viewed the world.

    V, you wanted to blessed my journey so much so that you actually offered to top up my travel fund although I didn’t even ask for it (much less thought about it), all because you has done this before and know how hard it can be. I didn’t ask how much not because it didn’t matter, but because your thoughts behind it meant so much more. My greatest gratitude. You’ve not only helped me make this journey that much longer, but you have also proven to me that the world is a much kinder place than what most people made it out to be. Now because of what you have done for me, I will be consciously lending a hand to help bless others along the road and to people who will make this journey after me, as much as I possibly can.

    B, thank you so much for providing me the account to your Kobo app so that my journey ahead will not simply be just counting the fingers on my hands when I have absolutely nothing to do. Your advice on working as I am traveling is invaluable and I will definitely need to seek you out for more advice along the way! I feel a lot less lonely, knowing that there are fellow Singaporeans around who are doing the same thing. Not only that, but you also managed to have your partner and two dogs travel along with you while you do what you love. You are tremendously inspiring. I have become a little more braver, and a little more motivated to follow through with my plans because of you. Thank you so much once again.

    C, We haven’t spoken in awhile and I didn’t know you moved away to work. Thank you for offering your home to me and allowing me stay as long as I like, as and when I travel to the place you’re at. You didn’t even stop there. You offered to pay me as well, just to help you around with housework. I would have done it for free anyway because I am already thankful to have a roof over my head and to have an amazing friend like you. When I have my own place in the future, wherever it may be, I too will open my place for others seeking a roof over their heads, a good rest for the night and a warm, full meal.

    J, despite the fact that we haven’t met, you are still one of the most superbly inspiring individual I’ve ever come to know. You doing the same thing as me is amazing. You being around the same age as me is even more so! I approached you via Facebook when i first saw your journey on the couchsurfing website as well as your Facebook page. You were quick to reply, with such openness to share whatever that you have experienced and learnt to someone you barely knew. Your courage inspired me to no end. Your motivation to follow through despite all circumstances has proven to me that all things are possible. . It is nice to have a fellow companion on a journey, even if we are not in the same country. Perhaps one day we will cross paths and be able to share our experiences together more candidly in person.

    To my parents who despite being so worried about me, supported my journey anyway, You guys even went to the point of buying my laptop and camera at a price that no one would ever pay for, just to help me raise funds before I leave and at the same time, still allow me to have convenient  access to ‘loan’ them. The love that you guys have for me is so special and I feel incredibly lucky to be your son . I promise you guys that I will take good care of myself and keep you guys posted as much possible. I love you both so so much. Without the both of you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Big hugs mum and dad…

  • I am not a superhuman

    These few days hasn’t been good. Nostalgia, disconnection and fear has been creeping through my bones like unrelenting vines. Can’t seem to control it, much less stop it. *deep breath*

    It seemed so easy at first to say that I will be letting it all go, but the emotional entanglements accumulated through the years are so much more difficult to peel off than what I’ve originally imagined. At times, I feel trapped in between, losing one thing to gain another. What do I really want? The past or the future? I see the answer right before me. I know I need to just live in the present and not worry about what lies behind or ahead of me.

    I find myself indulgently lamenting over shitty times like this. I am only human and I shouldn’t beat myself silly over it. I need to recognize that I am not a superhuman.

    My decision stays, I will definitely make this journey. But this also means that for the next two months before I actually leave, I need to go through all these the raging and conflicting feelings inside of me. Maybe by the time I leave, I will be more ready than ever, emotionally sound to journey through what life has in store for me.

    Until then, hold tight Jared, you will be fine. I love you.

  • Eat Pray Love

    I heard about the book, I heard about  the movie, and I even gone as far as reading the synopsis on IMDb, but I was never once interested to experience it. Until yesterday night, while sitting alone on my bed and surfing the net, I had the sudden inspiration to watch the movie… and so I did.

    I found myself moving in tandem with Elizabeth Gilbert, the lead character, as I traveled the places that she did, and experienced and felt her struggles, frustration and desperation as well as her joy, happiness and excitement throughout the whole process of finding balance in a world she couldn’t make sense of. I couldn’t tear myself away from the screen until the movie was done. I was exhausted, thoroughly drained by how much she went through and most importantly, how much I related to it.

    Finding one’s self in a world where everyone seems to be hopping on the same footsteps as the ones before them. Recognizing how everyone is sharing largely similar ideals, not exactly the same specifically, but similar in essence of feeling the need to achieve and work towards something that ultimately might not fulfill us at all. On some occasions, it may make you feel even more emptier.

    I was pursuing too many things in my life and never stop to think, is this fulfilling to me? Am I happy? I became desperate to keep things normal and safe in my perfect tiny little box of certainty. In so doing, i cheated myself, my heart and mind together. I created a mock reality of what I thought I needed, and not what I really needed. I was too safe and too timid to live authentically.

    I don’t know what I need now but at least I am aware that I need to find it. Also, I am very sure that I can’t find it in a place that I have built my current life on. I need to go somewhere else, to clear my head and find the answers without the distractions or nostalgic compulsion of all the could-haves, would-haves, and should-haves.

    I need to get away from here and I am so glad I bought a ticket out of here.  It’s a start, to freedom and knowing myself more than I ever did in the last 26 years of my life.

  • Having cold feet

    Traveling around the world is exciting but also very daunting, especially so if you are planning to travel alone like me. Making the decision and buying the one way ticket for me was simply the first step. Other than the tiresome handling of personal affairs before I leave, I found myself emotionally plagued with constant doubt, worry and even anxiety before I even actually get out of Singapore!

    However, I have been repeatedly assured by like-minded individuals, travelers or otherwise, that what I am going through is perfectly normal. Having cold feet is normal because you have just made one of THE biggest decision (and change, because your life will never be the same anymore) in your life and it is entirely forgivable and understandable. In fact, it would be weird if you don’t actually feel this way at all.

    How I managed to keep myself going and remaining firm to my decision is to constantly:

    1. Keep researching about my trip as it builds up my excitement before I go and also gets me prepared, which in turn makes me less panicky. I find myself actively addressing my  worries by researching about them to get a better idea and it really helps to calm those pre-travel jitters of mine

    2. Keep reading up on inspiring stories and testimonies of people who had done this or are still doing this. You will be surprised by how many there are! You are not alone 🙂

    3. Surrounding myself with people who supports and encourages me. My friends, family members and the couchsurfing community

    4. Staying positive. Consciously tell yourself all the time that you will be fine, because you are.

    5. Starting a blog. Before I actually fly off on the 29th of December this year, this blog also serves as my emotional and spiritual compass, monitoring my feelings & thoughts (keeping it in check as well) while I prepare myself for the adventure of a lifetime! Anytime I start doubting myself, I simply go back to my previous post (especially my very first post) which reminds me the reason why I wanted to travel in the first place!

    6. Telling everyone I know about my plans. This method really helps me stay accountable to my own actions

    7. Keep moving instead of procrastinating. This means that since I have made a firm decision to go, I shouldn’t waste time to clear the path in front of me. This includes leaving my job, applying for permits, buying insurance, planning/packing my travel ware, researching on the routes I want to go and saving up as much money as possible until I fly off. Since I need to do it anyway, why delay?

    8. Don’t look back. Just go. If you don’t, instead of making the biggest decision in your life, you would have created the biggest regret instead.

    I know this trip probably isn’t going to be all moonlight and roses but it is to me, the first step towards the beginning of a renewal. I know I am not going to regret this because I have been secretly raring for it all my life and it is finally, really, REALLY happening!

    “Carpe diem! Seize the day, make your lives extraordinary” – Dead Poet Society